A couple of
end of the year, drum-shot please, zingers:
1. During
Bill Clinton's last day's in office an abortion bill came
across the desk of one his top legislative aides. The aide
went to President Clinton and asked him what he should do
about it. President Clinton replied, "Just go ahead and pay
it."
2. A kindergarten teacher went around and asked
each student in the class what their fathers did for a living.
One little boy raised his hand and said, "My dad works as a
gay stripper and when the tips aren't coming in, then he will
go in the back alley and do guys for money".
The
teacher was shocked and later took the little boy aside, "Why
on earth did you say that about your father?". The boy
replied, "Oh...Well, my father really works for the
Bush adminstration, but I was too embarassed to say anything
in front of the other kids".
I guess people think that, with Angelina,
there is a pretty good chance that they will get laid at the
end of the evening considering the fact that she has done her
own brother.
Speaking of
not wishing any harm to the President, I am getting a little
sick and tired of all this talk of "Saddam Loyalists"
attacking US forces.
OK, I deeply dislike the Bush
administration and its policies. And, I am generally a
pacifist. I have always been against the War in Iraq. But,
I'll tell you what... if some foreign invader came to the
United States and installed a new government....You can be
damn sure that I would be one of the first
people to take up arms and engage the enemy.
Let there be no doubt that if America were threatened and
attacked, I would fight back with vigor.
But, my
question is this: Would that make me a "Bush Loyalist"? Or,
would I just be an Average American?
Shit....Now, I guess the Secret Service is going to
arrest me and Eminem.
For the sake of
clarity, or, because I am a pussy, .....and just in case the
Secret Service does not have a sense of humor....this is a
joke. I don't *like* the President or Vice-President,
but I certainly would never wish for any harm to come to
them.
I still gots
to give it to the fat people like nobody's business. If there
are two groups of people that I don't like, it is the
old people and the fat people. And, if I had
to pick a third group, then I would say, white
people. This is despite the fact that some of my best friends
are white. And, the fact that I'm white too, I suppose.
Anyway, Fat People, listen up, if you are so fat that
you take up two seats on the subway, then you should have had
to buy two subway tickets. Your gluttony
should not be the reason why I have to stand on my
ride home.
And, Old People, you listen up, too...Just
watch out. OK? Just watch...the fuck....out.
Oh, yeah,
and...Dick Cheney is not dead yet. Happy Christmas or
something.
Heads
Up To The Democrats: You guys, please do not make
campaign issues out of the supposed fact that Osama and Saddam
have not been caught. Karl Rove is playing you for idiots.
Osama and Saddam are dead. The only question is, "When will
the Bush administraion reveal the death and/or capture of
Osama and/or Saddam?"
My bet is October 15th 2004.
That should be a short enough amount of time that it will
impact Bush's rating in the polls, but it will be long enough
away from election day that it will not seem too much like a
complete stunt, and it will not be enough time for the media
to find out how long the Bush administartion has
really known that Osama and/or Saddam have been dead or
captured.
Democrats, seriously, you are
smoking fucking crack if you think that the Bush
administration will not produce the bodies of Osama and/or
Saddam prior to November 4, 2004. If Osama and Saddam are both
still unaccounted for by then, I will eat my shoe...or some
crow, or, at the very least, I promise that I will mix a
metaphor.
Now, just like a week ago, the "World's
Oldest Person" supposedly died at the age of 116. But, this
Albanian chick is supposed to be like 123? See? Do you see why
these old people dying stories stick in my craw? These old
people are nothing but lying sacks of shit. Don't trust
them.
Dick Cheney? Don't trust him either. He
is not the World's Oldest person, but he sure
is an old ass muggafucca. Dick Cheney is not dead.
He's just really old.
Dick
Cheney is not dead yet. If Cheney died, that would be news.
Visitors to this website would be the first to know that
Cheney has died. But, let me say that the world's oldest
person dying: That is not frigging news. I
mean, this happens like 10 times a fucking year. The world's
oldest person dies, then the person who was the world's next
oldest person (but, is now the oldest) lives for another two
months and then that person dies. And, then we have another
news story that the world's oldest person has died, and, and,
and,... ad infinitum.
I get so sick of these stories.
You know how they say "Doctor, Heal Thyself". Well, how about
this, "Centenarians, Kill Thyself." Then, maybe some 99 year
old will live for another 15 years and we will finally be able
to go a month without another one of these damn "World's
Oldest Person Dies" stories.
A magnetic
storm caused by sun spots has apparently knocked out
a Japanese satellite. And, it also seems all of a sudden
that Shaq and Kobe are not getting along so well. Some
speculate that the latter could have other causes.
Dick Cheney does not seem to be affected by the sun
spots. Only his liver spots.
Every one in a while, I
just like to point out the fact that the government is still
lieing to you.
On the other hand, the government is
not lieing to you when they say that Dick Cheney is not dead
yet. He looks a little dead, he smells a little dead, and he
even feels a little dead to the touch (please don't ask me how
I know or what I touched), but, nevertheless, he is not dead
yet.
There is a new
website on the CIA Leak called Intimi-Gate.com. The format
seems suspiciously familiar. I considered a law suit, but then
thought better of it.
Finally, a
good old fashioned Whitewater-Watergate-type scandal is
brewing up for the Bush adminstration in the form of the
dangerous, reckless, and malicious leak of a CIA agent's name
by Senior White House officials.
You would think that
Bush was even more bulletproof than Clinton when not even his
lieing to the American public in the State of the Union, then
going to War under false pretenses could cause a chink in his
armor. Go Figure.
And, Dick Cheney has not been named
an undercover CIA agent yet. But, soon, my friends, soon...
In a surprise
move, the Bush administration has issued a temporary lift
of all marijuana related crimes. A shocked crowd asked
President Bush in a press conference last night why the
usually 'tough on drugs' administration would lift the ban
on marijuana use.
President Bush responded, "As all of
you know, our country experienced a great tragedy last week
when we lost two cultural icons, John Ritter and Johnny
Cash. We felt that these two popular figures deserved
a special send off. So, we ask that over the next
week everyone take some time to smoke some of
their favorite greens. We have dubbed the week 'Take
a Ripper for Tripper and Smoke Some Hash for
Cash.'
Vice-President Cheney held his own press
conference today where the press ripped into him, claiming
that this act was an obvious attempt at gathering
votes from the pro-cannabis camp. 5 minutes into
the interview, a red and slanty eyed Cheney admitted
that he completely forgot what they were talking about,
and then exclaimed, "You can't please these
fuckin' hippies!!!" Cheney then grabbed his chest and
began floudering on the stage.
Cheney was
immediately rushed to the University of Maryland Hosptial
due to fears that the VeePee suffered another heart attack.
All were relieved when they found out that Cheney just
suffered a major stroke out from hittin' the Presidental 6
footer.
Dick Cheney
goes out on a limb as he tries to court the Black vote for the
'04 election. Once again the Veep was on BET's Tavis Simley
show where he complained about Hurricane Henri and hurricane
names in general:
"What is the deal with this
Hurricane "Henri" ? Why do the French get to
have names of Hurricanes?.... Have you ever noticed how none
of the Hurricane names are Black names?
Straight up Racism. Seriously, take a look at the
Hurricane names on the list...They have Spanish names on the
list, they have all sorts of European names on the list...but
there is nary a single Black name on the Hurricane list. This
is an outrage to me as it should be to all Black Americans! I
will not rest until we have a Hurricane Shamiqua, a Hurricane
Aaliyah, and a Hurricane Latrayus on that list of possible
Hurricane names. This is my pledge to you people for 2004.
"
For whatever
reason, I have the Ani
Difranco song "Welcome To:" running through my mind. It is
available for a free
online listen:
welcome to: no amount of stoned
makes you feel ok welcome to: this year's alone -
brought to you by Christmas day welcome to: the darkness
into which prayin people pray
it's quiet here except
for this song now that everybody's gone but hey least
you don't have to play along today
welcome
to: something like elation when you first open your
eyes just cuz it means that you musta finally got to
sleep last night welcome to: the precipice between
groundlessness and flight
it's quiet here except for
this song now that everybody's gone but hey least you
don't have to play along today
besides
which welcome to: taking the good stuff down off of the
shelf and welcome to: the art of conversation with
yourself welcome to: humming an unbroken tune all day
long yes it's quiet here but hey least you don't have
to play along today
Dick Cheney
was spotted the other day eatting a bag of Rap Snacks. As he
was eating the Lil' Romeo Honey BBQ chips, he paused when he
read the back of bag speaking on Lil' Romeo: "This
prodigy to Master P is not only a soldier in
training, but also his son. "
Cheney was overheard
saying, "Now I am down like a mug. Everbody knows that. But,
still, this is not ebonics...the word is
protégé".
Not Dead and
trying to keep the Rap Snacks Pretzels away from the Prez.
And lastly, to
those who say that our soldiers in Iraq are fighting for
freedom and that there are some things worth dieing for? How's
about starting here in the USA....call your Senator and
Congressperson to tell them that you value your freedom and
your civil liberties. Encourage your represenatives to repeal
the PATRIOT Act immediately. It is the most Patriotic thing
you can do.
Dick Cheney
was spotted at the newly reconstituted Lollapalooza Summer
Concert Tour recently. He reportedly told one fellow
concertgoer: "Perry Farrell and Jane's was great. But, what
was the deal with Chris Cornell in Audioslave
coming out in a half-shirt and hip hugger jeans? It's like he
is looking California and feelin' Liberacia."
HBO's Sex
and the City is in its final season. I have heard a number
of theories as to why the show is going off of the air. None
of the reasons is more compelling than the fact that as the
women are getting older, the budget for the gauze they put
over the camera lens has grown into the millions of dollars
range.
Alexa now
features a pop-up blocker in their new
toolbar. Plus, it is completely free.
I actually have a pop-up on this page (they
are so annoying) that takes you to the download
page. Initially, I admit that I did not like the Alexa
toolbar very much. But, I became accustomed to it within about
15 minutes and it takes care of most pop-up ads. Pretty cool.
And, for some reason I am getting hits for people
searching for pictures of Kobe Bryant's rape victim. There are
no photos of the girl ( woman ) that he allegedly raped here.
Sorry. The accusers name and face will not be broadcast here.
In an attempt
to gain minority support for the Bush Administration's
domestic terrorism policies, Vice-President Cheney granted
an exclusive interview with Tavis Smiley of Black
Entertainment Television, popularly known as BET.
When the Vice President was asked how terrorism has
affected the Second Lady, Cheney responded with this
eloquent intertwinement of old and new school lingo:
"Irregardless, my bizzle better work the shizzle outta
my dizzle!!! And, if ya don know, ya betta ax sumbody,
Word! Oh, and Big Props to the O.G., my nucca, 41 "
After the bizarre clip was run, Mr. Smiley remarked,
"Well, as they say, you can take a rich boy out of the
White House, but can't take the honky out of a rich
white boy." The jury is still out on whether this
interview has bolstered the VeePee's street cred.
As a sidenote, when Cheney exited the D.C. studios of
BET, he was met with a barrage of bullets, one
striking him directly in the chest where his heart
would be located. Amazingly, Cheney went unharmed,
thus supporting the underground conspiracy theory that
Cheney actually has no heart.
What is the
deal with impeachcheney.com?
There is nothing there about Dick Cheney, or impeaching...it
looks like a giant mall or something. What a shameless whore.
And, Dick Cheney is not dead yet.
I really just
do not understand it. Now, I am no fan of the Department of
Homeland Security and the TSA. But, I fail to see why this guy was
fired. I mean, he pulled his gun and was going to arrest some
jack-ass that was saving a parking place. If you stand in a
parking place, you should be arrested. Period. If you attempt
to board a subway car without first having let other people
get off, do not be surprised when I stiff-arm you and politely
say, "Excuse me."
Selfishness will be punished.
You know, I keep trying to love you, but you're pissing me
off.
If the
Democrats are smart and serious about winning the Presidency
in 2004, they should show this
chart and run this
footage in every single one of their campaign attack ads.
Today we are under a
"Code Red Alert" here in Washington, DC. Yesterday was a "Code
Orange" day. Many people confuse this with the "Threat Level
Orange" terror threat warnings that are put out by the
Homeland Security Department. In fact, these are quite
different things. "Code Red Alert" actually puts DC residents
on alert that the ozone level and the heat are at such levels
that residents need to take precautions. The other major
difference is that many Americans actually die from the
severe heat caused by global warming during these "Code Red"
alert days. You see, not a single person on American soil has
been killed by a terrorist during a "Threat Level Orange" day.
Global warming kills more people in the United States than the
"terrorists" do.
A friend of mine was
recently hiking in Death Valley with a lady friend of his and
related this story:
"It was hot as balls, man. So,
I hiked up to the top of the mountain while my lady friend
waited for me at the bottom. While I was up at the top of the
mountain, she said she saw a mountain sheep. But, I saw
an Albino Black Girl while she was in the bathroom, so I guess
that makes us even."
I am not sure Cheney is
on the right mix of heart medications right now.
This is what he said in a recent one on one
interview with Newsweek:
"And, what's the deal
with Jewel
? I mean, she used to be all Alaska Farm Chick and now
she's a straight-up hooker. I mean, it is kinda weird,
knaamean? But, seriously, I am going to have to put
that on my to do list. Irregardless and irrerespective, I
would hit it. They do not call me "Dick" Cheney for nuthin,
patna. "
No need for eloquence on the public comment form....just
say, "I am strongly opposed to further relaxing the current
media ownership rules". It is that easy. Certainly, you can
say more, but at a minimum, that is all that you need to do.
It takes one minute. Please help our country right now by
logging on to that website and making your voice heard. Do
it now!
I strongly encourage you to email this
post, this website URL, or the FCC link, to anyone who is
like-minded. This is not a hoax. This is not listed on
Snopes.com. This is real. And, you can make a
difference. We all can make a difference. Act now! They will
be deciding this issue on June 2nd!
So, does this guy in the
striped shirt really love America, or really
hate Saddam?
Hey, in all seriousness, if I was on the CIA payroll, I
guess I would be at all their propaganda photo ops as well...
Now, can Cheney and the rest of the Bush Regime really say
that the "Iraqi people" are happy that the United States is
occupying their country? It looks to me as if it is all the
same dude running around and kissing different soldiers and
smashing up statues.
I would
make some joke about Dick Cheney not being dead yet here like
I ususually do . But, I really do not feel like pushing
my luck with the Secret Service by putting "Dick Cheney",
"Wanted" and "Dead" all in the same post.
When Natalie Maines, of
the Dixie Chicks, said "I am ashamed that the President of the
United States is from Texas", people started to burn the Dixie
Chicks' CD's in protest.
Well, let me take it one step
further. Let me say, then, that I, personally, am ashamed that
the President of the United States is an American.
I encourage all those hard-core Bush-supporters who
are upset by my statement to take their computer monitors to
their city squares and to start a bonfire with them.
Dick Cheney is not dead
yet. But, thanks to FARK
and the The Smoking
Gun, we get to see a glimpse of what the future might hold
with CNN's pre-written obituary for Dick Cheney. Please note
that the Cheney's obituary contains "cut and paste" fragments
from the pre-written obituary for the Queen Mother. Here is a
copy
of the CNN page.
1620 : Number of Kuwaiti and Iraqi Civilians
(including women and children) killed by unexploded cluster
bombs after the First Gulf War: (Source: Human Rights
Watch)
Hey,
I'll tell you what: My girlfriend just took me out to dinner
at a Moroccan restaurant and I had no idea that MC Hammer was
so huge in Morocco.
For
those of you that do not get that joke right now, I bet you
will be laughing your ass off the next time you eat Moroccan
food.
And,
Dick Cheney is not dead yet. posted
by K A at 3:34
PM
Thursday,
April 03, 2003
A
note to the six faithful readers of this website:
The
site may be going down some time soon when I try to switch
hosting services. The good news is that I can get rid of all
these stupid pop-ups when you visit (a consequence of the free
hosting).
So, now that the site is moving to paid
hosting, rather than pathetically beg for money through the Amazon
Honor System like I usually do, I thought I would try
for something else:
If
you like this site, here are some other things you might like
(see, this is not begging, this is more like shameless
plugging)....
1. Chuck Pahlaniuk's (Author of Fight
Club) Other Novels Choke
and Lullaby.
So,
before anyone writes me and says, "You suck compared to those
guys". Please know that I understand that I suck compared to
those guys. That is why they have books and CD's and alls I
got is this lousy website. My only goals here are 1) To
point people in the direction of some really high quality
shit. 2) Hopefully to fund the new IDCDY.com paid
hosting site by making some kickbacks on people buying these
really great and worthwhile books and CD's (or anything else )
from Amazon.com via the links above. Really, seriously,
if you buy the Chuck Pahlaniuk book and you don't like it,
then send me the receipt and I will reimburse you for the
kickback.
Finally,
one last thing, Dick Cheney is not frigging dead yet.
Yes,
I am aware that at least two of the photographs on this site
are blatant fakes: The one with Bush holding the book upside
down and the one with Bush using the binoculars with the lens
covers still on. Nevertheless, the site still has some pretty
good stuff.
Sadly,
the pictures of GW in a halter top, though.....those....those
pictures are real.
Reporter #1: Mr, Vice-President, How
do you think the war is going?
Cheney: I
think the war is going well and according to plan. It is only
a matter of time before the Anglo-American forces take
Baghdad.
Reporter #1: Sir, don't you mean
"Coalition" forces?
Cheney: Ummm,
yeah....right....what you said.
Reporter #2:
Could you explain to us again why we do not want the Iraqis to
have chemical weapons?
Cheney: Listen, if I
have said it once, I have said it a thousand times...there are
good ways to kill people and then there are bad ways to kill
people. For example, a cluster bomb....that would be a good
way to kill people. The electric chair, also good. JDAM
weapons, those are great ways to kill people. But,
chemical weapons?....That is a bad way to kill
people. posted by K A
at 3:36
PM
Thursday,
March 27, 2003
I
have said it before, and I will say it again: The American
media are lying to you.
You
have to love those Corporate
Sponsored "Patriot" rallies. I find it curious that
after checking the Federal
Election Commission's database that not a single
person at this Billion Dollar Media Behmoth has donated to a
Democrat, but they have literally donated hundreds of
thousands of dollars to the Republicans. Talk about putting
all your eggs in one basket...
So,
what does Clear Channel hope to gain out of sponsoring all
these rallies and out of donating gobs and gobs of money to
Bush and his cronies? Well, Clear Channel has already
completely polluted our public space with billboards...so,
there really can't be any more of them. The fact is, Clear
Channel owns over 1,000 radio stations and currently has some
pending matters before the FCC that would further relax media
ownership rules. The effect of a ruling in favor of Clear
Channel would be to further stifle the diversity of opinions
and views that can be heard over the airwaves. If you want to
know more about the US Propaganda System and the myth of
freedom of the press, please read Noam Chomsky and Ed Herman's
book Manufacturing
Consent or Ben Bagdikian's Media
Monopoly .
Dick
Cheney? Too busy counting all his Clear Channel money to be
dead.
The
most compelling evidence that I know of indicating Osama Bin
Laden is still alive has got to be the fact that the only
nucca that has dropped more tapes than Bin Laden in the last
year is Tupac. Both are, in fact, quite dead. Though, Tupac
does live on in our hearts. While we are
at it, let us also give props to Biggie and Jam Master
Jay.
Dick
Cheney? Still not in the rap game and still not
dizzead....earlier today he was seen foshizzling his
nibble. posted by K A
at 8:29
AM
Sunday,
March 16, 2003
I
heard a great joke at yesterday's anti-war protests here in
Washington, DC:
Question:
What do Timothy McVeigh and George W. Bush have in
common?
Answer: They're both Christian
Fundamentalist Terrorists.
Whoa! Can I get a rimshot,
please!
Also,
you should know that while we were marching past the Old EOB,
I decided to plant a big ole "freedom" kiss on my
girlfriend.
I opened my eyes briefly during the kiss
and saw Dick Cheney staring at me out the window. Obviously,
not dead yet.
In
any event, to tell you the truth... we do not know where Dick
Cheney is. But, our surreptitious monitoring device is
showing that his vital signs are still strong (at least for
him). We think he is just giving the president the limelight
again. I suppose this is another of Karl Rove's ideas.
Now,
I do not know about you, but I feel really assured when
I see that the Cheneymeister is backing up GW. Let's face it,
our "President" is a moron and a puppet and I would rather
have Dick Cheney pulling the strings than the Evil Genius
Rove.
Have
you all seen the interview that Dan Rather did with Saddam
Hussein? I think the most shocking thing about the interview
is that Saddam absolutely insists that he has only had
two operations on his nose.
And,
Dick Cheney is not sleeping with little boys yet.
I
know this quote looks a lot like the Julius Caesar and
Nostradamus quote hoaxes that floated around the Internet
shortly after the 9-11 attacks. However, I checked Snopes.com
and this one turns out to be entirely true:
Naturally
the common people don't want war: Neither in Russia, nor in
England, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood.
But, after all, It is the leaders of the country who determine
the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people
along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no
voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the
leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they
are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers and pacifists
for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It
works the same way in every country.
Okay,
so after the seriousness of the post earlier this week, I
thought I would put something a little sillier up as a
Valentine's day gift for all the loyal IsDickCheneyDeadYet.com
readers. Now, truth be told this is a recycled birthday gift
that I wrote for a good friend of mine last year. But, I think
no one will be offended by that:
Food
on Display
(To
the tune of Bulls on Parade, by Rage Against the Machine)
This
microwave explodes, shattering Jell-O molds
Botulism
gave me shit like diarrhea, gotta get tha
Fuck
off tha commode
It
was in a pork chop, sure to make tha
Muslims
drop
Drop
an don't copy yo, don't call it
A
ham hock
Tequila
rains drenchin', quenchin' tha thirst of
Tha
Mexicans, bastards gave me Monetzuma's revenge
So,
dug up some lettuce wit a trowel. No better!
Tha
fiber cold empties ya bowel
They
rally round their chili
With
some macaroni shells
Food,
not weapons, not homes, not shoes
Not
Eggs! Got salmonella from the incredible edible
I
walk tha corner to a Deli that used to be a Denny's
Line
up to a Taco Bell now
Food
in the heat keeps E. Coli alive and movin'
They
don't gotta burn tha toast, ate spoiled bacon
While
meat slaughterhouses fill as quick as tha cells
America,
use your head. Please do not believe the silly lies that are
being perpetuated in order to frighten you into supporting an
unjust and unprovoked war.
Now,
I suppose we should feel assured that the "Government" or
"Washington" has confirmed that the newest Bin Laden tape is
authentic and, therefore, Bin Laden is alive. But, just as a
point of fact, an audio tape was released in November of 2002
that purported to be Bin Laden, yet the BBC later
reported that
the tape was a fraud.
I
suppose we should all rest easy knowing that no one would put
out a fraudulent audio tape of Osama Bin Laden. I mean, George
W. Bush, himself, has specifically
denied doctoring
the December 2001 video that purportedly shows Bin Laden
claiming responsibility for the 9-11 tragedy.
I
mean, we all remember the last time FBI told us all to "be
afraid". You remember... Five men of middle eastern descent
who were wanted for questioning right around the New Year's
Holiday? That one was legitimate for at least a week before we
found out that was also a government
lie.
Breaking
News:There are no terrorists on the loose in this country
aside from the ones who work at 1600 Pennsylvania
Ave. posted
by K A at 12:24
PM
Monday,
February 10, 2003
Breaking
News....Bush Administration Bull Shit Level Has Been Escalated
to Code Brown Please
go about your daily business as usual, but be prepared for
massive doses of potentially lethal
propaganda. posted
by K A at 12:24
PM
Sunday,
February 9, 2003
Confidential
to D.E., in San Francisco (Proprietor of
McSweeney's): Granted,
your first book was really good; but, what were you thinking
with the new book and how it doesn't use proper punctuation or
grammar and making it altogether difficult to read.
-
I am a modern day James Joyce, fucker. - You are not a
modern day James Joyce. - I am Henry Miller and James Joyce
and Thomas Wolfe all rolled into one but perhaps even
better. - Dave Your first book was great but I think you
really need to tone down that ego a little bit. - Keith
Does this post have anything at all to do with Dick
Cheney? - No It really just has everything to do with how
disappointed I was with your new book. - Then Tell
them. - Okay Dick Cheney is not dead
yet.
